I’ve always wondered why some morons can screw up over and over again in the office and still retain their jobs while the guys that are bolstering the sales figures are given the “the Company is not declaring a bonus this year because it did not perform as a whole” speech… Maybe its like the fucking whore of a (former) lady boss said, “I was born to a life of servitude”… Then again… Screw that what does she know??? Hahahahaha…
Clearly the most fucked up thing about my old job was that although it clearly stated that I was to be working 5.5 days a week, I HAD to work 7 days a week!!! Its because those cunt sucking maggots planned all their Company (more like a fucking joke) events on Saturday and Sunday and attendance as early as 6.30 am on most occasions were compulsory!!! This resulted in the situation below:
To compound the tuhlan factor most of these “events” n(fuck I think I should refer to them as farces instead as it would be a more honest and accurate description) required lots of travelling. So not only did I have to work like a dog but I also had to travel like a fucking migratory animal… A lesser man would have killed himself after a year but I survived more than 2.5 years… The masses should worship me for my hardcore endurance…
Just thinking about the assholes I used to work with, make me feel like someone just stabbed me in the throat with a knife…
My former employers are assholes of the highest degree, when I was in their employ, they were always hatching new schemes to get rid of me... Now that I am gone, they are saying that I left them in a tight spot and they need my help... Well screw you... Everyone that has left the company over the years feel the same way too... You guys should just eat a cockmeat sandwich...
Tuhlaness is spreading fast among patrons at the Starbucks as they have decided to cut corners with the internet access hoping that the patrons don't notice... Well the patrons notice and they are not happy... In the past 5 mins at least 9 patrons have walked to the store manager and expressed their tuhlaness while countless others are showing the staff their "bin sik" (hokkien dialect, literal translation, face colour... in other words a sour or pissed off face)...
Its been 2 days since my xbox 360 kicked it and its finally getting to me... Its primary function is to help me unwind after putting up with assholes for the whole day and it craps on me... I hope the guy that made my box gets "crabs" (and no I don't mean seafood)... Niamah...
In the course of my career thus far, I have realised that the assholes that I encounter on a daily basis fall into several archetypes...
The first archetype is the most common of all, and it is normally embodied or personified by the biggest asshole in your office... No I am not talking about the irritating twat sitting next to you, I am talking about the boss... The big up, the dude that thinks he owns you just because he gives you a pittance which he calls a salary, the dude who is never wrong, the ultimate narc... I have dubbed this asshole the "Big Diva Asshole or BDA"...
In the span of 9 years I have met 5 of these type of assholes... The first was during my short stint in Perth, Western Australia... well that guy was a piece of work... not only did I slave in the kitchen day after day for that turd, but I also had to hang out with him after work as surprise surprise, he had no friends... My job description also entailed covering for him when he went whoring at Langtrees or gambled the money his wife sent over for his "booming restaurant" business...
If that was not enough, my co-workers and I often rescued him when he was piss drunk from many a dodgy karaoke establishment... Most of the time he would have passed out by the time we got there, meaning we had to foot the bill... Which being the asshole that he is, something he would forget by the next day... Our wages were perpetually late as well, blaming it on the exchange rates on the $AUD instead of saying that he spent it at Burswood or Langtrees, the night before...
The second BDA I met was after I graduated from uni and worked at a prestigious legal firm in Kuala Lumpur... The difference between the previous BDA and this one is the mere fact that this one came from a wealthier family and in turn he was a little more educated and had more $ in the bank... But he was by no means more refined... He had a funny quirk you see... He had extra diva genes so he could never stomach being near the commoners like you and me... The very thought of it alone disgusted him... So when we greeted him daily (not that we wanted to, we had to as outlined under our terms of employment), he always acknowledged us by showing how disgusted he was to hear us defile him name with our less than perfect voices... He also enjoyed making a grand spectacle of things... For example, once a year he would make the whole office line up outside his office while the HR Manager presented us with a few Mandarin Oranges for the Chinese New Year... Not only did we have to wait in line for a bitchingly long time, we had to look eager, excited and grateful even to be touched by his generosity...
The third BDA I met is currently the first runner up when it comes to the ultimate BDA's of all time... This BDA views himself of being someone of great mental prowess... He also sees himself as the consummate gentleman and the benchmark that all men should be pegged against... He spends the day recounting his travels and exploits around the world... Spins yarn of luxury items so obscenely rare that only an ultra select few have seen them... The irony of it all is he probably has like 1 or 2 of those watches he keeps talking about but in reality, most of his watches are knockoffs from Petaling Street... Now this BDA had a particular hobby... Whenever he was feeling down or had a bad day and needed a "pick me up", he would give me a lecture and enlighten me as to how inferior I was to him... These lectures were called "motivational lectures" and covered issues like "you know nothing because the education system now is horrible", "your parents could not send you to a proper uni" and "you suck"... It went to a stage when the lectures would only stop after he hears me mutter, "Yes boss... I am shit boss... Please grace me with your amazing intellect boss!!!" which will prompt him to pick up a few random books and shove them into my hands... This will be followed by a prompt, "you see now you are learning... go home and read these books and let me have them back by the following morning"...
The next BDA was a rather interesting one... This BDA was a few fries short of a Happy Meal so he thought of himself as the "Don"... I'm not joking... He really thought of himself as the "Don"... Now the Assfather, I mean Godfather, wanted to dominate the entire retail industry... Big plans... HUGE... but there was one problem... He spent the day surfing for porn, smoking, rapping (well actually trying to rap), bitching about his customers and dodging bills from suppliers... It was not that he didn't have money, He had loads, so much so that he invested them into his luxury cars, his fine dining and his other indulgences... Why pay the suppliers when you can get a new sports car eh??? He also had the attention span of turd... He had the habit of instructing you to do something and then reprimanding you for doing it 10 mins later... He also had the habit of not going to work on payday (this allowed him to accumulate extra interest in the bank)...
The last BDA is the ultimate BDA of all time... He expects to be worshipped like a deity and is utterly ridiculous in his demands... He expects things to happen just because he like them to happen... This is probably due to the size of his ego which stretches from here to Greenland... He has the habit of believing that it rains because he wants it to rain... He also expects everyone to "POR LAM PAR" (hokkien dialect, literal translation "carry his testicles", meaning to kiss his ass)... He is omnipotent and all knowing... He is also the world's most valuable mind... Or that's what he thinks at least... He thinks that everyone is jealous of him... He honestly thinks so... He is filled with so much shit that he pulls figures out of mid air during presentations and he tells them that the research is conducted by his crack team of experts... More like no research and "figures of fancy"... He makes promise after promise to the customers of new service and product offerings which never materialise... He walks with his nose in the clouds... He asks for feedback but never listens... He takes credit for everything and does nothing... Nothing gives him greater joy than screaming at you in public... He makes you work 7 days a week... Does not provide medical insurance... pays the wages late EVERY MONTH... Calls for marathon meetings which last from 10 am till past 11pm so that he can talk about everything and anything but the agenda at hand... The ultimate hypocrite that basks in past glory when he distinctly says that people should never do that and that he despises anyone who does so...
There you have it folks, a brief look at the first asshole archetype and and several examples of BDA's... I do apologise for the long post but please note that this post doesn't even describe 20% of the true assholic properties of the BDA's I met so far... I will save that for a later time... A time when they are adequate words in the English language to describe their atrocious behaviour...
I started this blog as a means of seeking closure... The last few years have been a roller coaster ride through incidents of hard core stupidity, idiotic co-workers, egomaniac bosses, philandering partners and total cock-ups... If I don't blog about it now, I might explode or worse, beat someone to a pulp with my laptop...
